I'll be honest... I really don't expect people to read this. As the concept states, this is merely to archive exceptional changes to my mood. I remember that my last one was about 6 months ago (not related to the site switchover), and this one is starting to repeat. I don't remember the last one's symptoms, but I'll blog out this one so as to remember.

I've said before that I'm a shy person. This I've known for a while; the online me is more of how I wish I were. So, I suck at meeting people. That said, there was this past weekend. A friend of mine, whom I've known for about a year now, was having one of his friends come over, or so I thought. Turns out, it was actually 2 of them, and both of them are his boyfriends. (Yes, I've admitted to them that I'm jealous, though that was only last night, via AIM. I'll get into why in a bit.) Given past histories with my friend, it was in my best interest (and protection) to meet them. (This reason does not factor into the depression, so I won't go into it.) They both are also great, fun people! Should they be willing, I would consider them friends.

So... how does this get to depression? Oh, I was happy as a kite high that night, I was meeting people, getting along with them, having fun (not that kind), etc. Some things were mentioned that night that seemed reasonable. But... following up... didn't happen. Communication instantly became strained at best. So I sat back and looked at why. And that was the problem. I could see that they were happy, and would be happier without my being around to... interfere with their fun. (And this time, I do mean that kind.) I was in their way. This alone would sadden me, but then other things came to my mind.

Living with a married couple, it's not a surprise that they do things also. I do know that their frequency doesn't make bunnies jealous, but there was the tell-tale sign that I heard from them this weekend. So, at the dinner meeting with 6 people, only I was not going to be... doing anything. And even of other friends in the area, one of them recently found a girlfriend, and another also has a friend over, of which they are known to have that fun also. I'm the lone one, stuck in the past, wallowing in my own problems, while everyone around me, younger and older, are playing with the bunnies. I'm not asking for sympathy; I don't deserve it. (Though again, I'm not expecting anyone else to be reading this.)

Which brings me to the question: what am I? I've said in the past that I'm unworthy of living, and now I have the reason. Yes, the things I said before are true: my not consuming resources may permit others to live, if only for a few more minutes. (seconds?) And my brooding personality would be gone for good, no longer pulling other people down. It'd let people be happier and relax. Why are they happier? Because I'm a parasite. I feed off the lives and happiness of others, making it my own. But a host capable of providing me with this will also be smart enough to remove the parasite. My happiness in meeting these new people? New hosts to feed on. No guy would ever willingly become my boyfriend. My parasitic nature will be noticed before the question could ever be asked. I mean, even my current living arrangements- I can't afford to live on my own, so I continue to stay with these roommates. I've nothing against them (well, okay, maybe the dog), but even then, I'm leeching on their lives. And any attempt to stop only ends poorly- a parasite with no host can't live long. I want to be severed from the hosts. I want others to be able to live their lives happily, without my sucking on them. But as long as I live, it will be at the expense of someone else.

Thus, I want to meet people. But I don't, because I know I'll only start to feed off them also. And it is the realization that I've hurt more people, that sends me downward. Hazardous to my health? Well, both are. But if I can stop hurting others, all will be better. The scars won't last long.